Reminders of Loss
Nothing makes you remember quite like loss
The people, the places, the things
I lost my keys and my heart stopped
Then a childhood friend and it broke
I tried to pretend like it didn’t hurt
That it had been years since childhood
I became Lord over my jester feels
But the flies roamed close
And as soon as my back was turned
They flooded my vision, reminding of loss
Which has a funny way of recalling
All the good times shared that now
Fade to black
This is for my friend
Claw, who clawed his way into all hearts
Claw, who drew
Claw, who is past, and it hurts
Clawrence, my friend, who remains
They will bury Claw tomorrow
My heart remains
Heavy, hurt, heaving
Asking questions of who remains
I found my keys
He finds his peace
All Things Are Old
Leaving home is peculiar
Strange, not in feeling. The strangeness fades in the waiting
In being. Home is all you know. Alone
Foreigner. Strange lands. New customs to learn
Study. To live. Exist far from what you know
You wil adapt
They say. Hang on. Give it a year
My chest hardens. Don’t wanna go
Can’t stay
The boogeyman moves with you. To your beat. In you
Everything is new except for me
All things are old, excluding me
From a faux-deep mosquito
You assume I am in hiding
That I find you terrifying
When my mouth can do
More damage than you
Okay, maybe not
But if I get away
With blood on my hands
And lips and stinger
Who’ll be laughing then?
And not in hiding
Suffering ceases to be suffering when it finds meaning
Viktor Frankl
I watch you in the dark
Yours cannot see me
Your frame, delicious in most parts
Marked with palms that slap
To kill
Kin squished
Blood spilled
Yours, granted
But if I get away
It’s your blood on my hands
Caught In a Candle
What it is, I’m unsure
It flickered, may have lit up
There’s definitely no cure
Trust, I have looked
What it is, I am grateful
For talent, that comes as easy as the sun and moon
What it is, as it flickers
Is definitely not a blast
It is caught in the wax
Sticky, but hard when cold
the blizzard too strong
And it, caught in a candle
Midnights
Late into the night sky;
Do you lift your eyes to the heavens when I call to you? When the night sky is dark except for the shimmering and I face a crescent cut. Do the strings pull in your chest as mine hope ever so hopelessly?
You come fleeting by
As if nothing means everything and truth lies on your sole. Crushed, awaiting an end to the era that never was, and is it coming? Am I good enough? Are you? The mirror cracks every time it doesn’t and no words can fix the facade. Fleeting like the memories once held dear, a deer deep in tall faded grass.
Moments like these are what make dreams
Midnights come with illusion. Theirs is the only time a heart holds another. The only time we allow it. For one can barely differ real from naught and the lies can turn to dreams. Are what you dream of like mine? Are they filled with you? Do you treat the land of your dreams like these that are mine? Is it a moment too late when the clock strikes twelve?
What they are when life’s real
They are truth. They are tangible and I can taste them at the back of my throat. Boiling anger. Frustration at what could be. What was, and wasn’t. They are exquisitely satisfying, these lies. Telling of a time that did not quite exist. When life was simpler and it was an easier existence. What we are, is whole. With or without, through and through.
The Way
You live by way of pert
Arms outstretched; Intuition shut-down
Your soul an ewer of emotion
A visionary sans vision
Packed fresh for Thanatos
With dreams of red
You live the way they act
Stuck in cocoons of unsteadiness
***
I kinda sorta maybe feel like myself again, finally, and will post every fortnight till the year’s end. There is nothing to report, kids. Everything is great, which makes me wonder when the other shoe plans to drop. However, until it does, I plan to revel in this energy.
I came to this poem with an idea of what I wanted it to be, and a title. I came bare. Empty. Exactly how I have felt for a while. And I built it up from there. I came to this poem, knowing without knowing.
I’m still into the dragons, both of the house and of Galbatorix. I don’t have much, but I have those and they’re enough for now.
The Final Words of Carina Smyth
“The final words of Carina Smyth. Good sirs, I’m not a witch but I forgive your common dim witlessness and feeble brains. In short, most of you have the mind of a goat.”
Good sir
Do you see?
Rain washes down
Everything
Drenching me
Flowing with
Thoughts of you
***
I am getting into a pirate phase, so brace yourselves. I am watching Taika Waititi’s ‘Our Flag Means Death’ which so far is perfection, and reading Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island and the captain, who was already my favorite, has fallen to his death. What’s left is curating the perfect playlist and I’ll be set.
Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!
Scarlet Thread
When you meet love, you’ll know
That’s what they say
Even before you see their face
How you know without knowing
A scarlet thread in play
I like that and me toos
The similarities insane
You will never think of anything like this
It doesn’t exist until it does
Until it dies
When you meet love, you’ll pretend
Not for not seeing him
For your sanity and repeat mistakes
And you will convince love to leave
Then whisper begging him to turn back
I love yous you won’t mean
The separation deafening
You will wish for something like it
For moons on end until
Out of the blue, love returns
And oh! Perfection
Love will be love, you know
Hearts with melodies for days on end
Even before you see their face
The scarlet thread of murder
I missed that and hellos
Behold, all parts still fit
Fire blazes beneath
When you return to love, it’s better
Burns brighter
Love will remind you of…love
And the pain when he was away
Love will speak to your dreams
Deceive you to remove walls
The scarlet thread on your heart
When you meet love, you wish!
Before your eyes, alteration
How you know without knowing
The first time you feel the shift
Deep in your bones and scarlet
Your delusion was your folly
It will act like those that raised you
The wait for things that weren’t coming
People that kept forgetting
Breaking word
Saying and not meaning it
It may not even realize the cracking
Hold on, baby, you’re losing it
Black as rain and you’ll say
Take me back and you’ll beg
What’s going on?
And again and again and again
You retreat and recoil
Forgive and forget
But do you?
Do you believe?
When you meet him, do you know?
So long, and nothing yet
Too far, train and forget
What’s going on?
And again and again and again
Remember
Your scars shouldn’t scare you
They shouldn’t even dare provoke the vaguest idea of pain
Because what you’ve gone through is nothing compared to what is ahead of you
I hope you remember that
Because it is the only thing that matters
One Day
Right now could be painful.
Right now could be filled with so much agony than you have ever experienced.
Right now could have the kind of suffering that can almost be equated to that of Jesus on the cross. You could feel helpless. Alone.
One of those moments you need mom or dad but remember they are covered in the dirt and you can never see them again.
And your heart,
Your heart could be breaking.
Into a million gajillion puzzle pieces that makes finding pieces that go together and placing them side by side impossible.
Your could be shattered to points that you yourself cannot recognize the reflection in the mirror.
Right now could be that time you have lost your innocence. That time your world is trembling to it’s core. That time you have stood up to face your demons so many times that they have robbed you of your strength.
It could be you have just lost a parent, a sibling, a true friend. It could be you have actually lost a part of yourself in the struggle to “be good”. It could be the loss of a job or the departure of a beloved pet. It could even be the failing of exams.
It could be that you lost your way.
That you believed in one day everything being better. Being clearer. Easier.
That one day something would come your way and you would recognize it’s immaculate essence immediately.
But you lost faith. Stopped believing in the one thing that kept you sane. Stopped believing in you. In Time. In God.
And you should never.
You should not put your sanity at risk by the things that time takes to heal, and because Time heals all wounds, physical and emotional, you too will heal.
Believe it.
Shout it.
Believe that one day, your worries will ride away in the most pure of carriages into the morning sun, and your days will forever be merry.
Believe.
Believe that you will smile. That you will laugh. Because without hope, is life really worth living?