I am going to phrase my disappointment in as few words as possible. I am amazed with you. I would never have thought that you could sink to levels of being that petty.
Yes, I know I was not the best or easiest person to be with, but considering you professed your love for me on that bridge by the botanical garden, I thought I meant something to you. But your letter, long as it was, proves to me how much regard you had for me.
I am sorry if it was me that drove you to such an unmanly state. Truly, I am.
I am so disappointed by you. You blame it all on me. As if you didn’t take part in anything. But Jesse, it’s alright. I accept the blame. If only to stop you from becoming the child you are forming yourself into.
I am sorry about my first letter. I know I started us off down this journey. I just did not realize how much it would change you. How much you would become so engrossed in pointing fingers that you would shift all the blame. Forgive me Jesse.
I do miss you. But not the you that is portrayed in your previous letter. I miss the real you. The Jesse that would hold my hand and look into my eyes to understand my soul. So yes, you were right. I miss you. But not the being that you have become.
And I promised this would be short. So, goodbye my love, whichever tiny bit of you that has remained.
First things first, I need to calm my nerves. I didn’t think you would actually read the letter I sent. My hands are shaky, I can’t even hold a glass of water right. I’m sweating through the keyboard right now. At one point I think I forgot to breathe. But that could just be this weather and maybe I am coming down with a cold. You know how terrible my flu usually is, I need not explain.
Now, I have a few concerns about the said reply letter that got to me early Sunday morning.
One. In your letter you said that you will always blame me for all your regrets, because… And I quote “I treated you like you were nobody to me”. Jesse do you hear yourself? You egotistical maniac! I wish you were nobody to me. I wish there was even the tiniest bit of truth to your words, because then my heart would not break as it does. I wish you were just that nobody, because I would be able to close my eyes for more than 10 minutes without seeing you in the dark. How I wish your words were true you selfish bastard, just so I would be able to live my life again.
Two. You say that if you were to tell me either the truth or the lies (which in this case are the same to you), that I would still leave you cold. But come on Jesse, who left who in the first place? With no valid reason. With not as much as a mere explanation. Who broke who? Tell me Jesse. Who gave up on our forever. Who let forever fade away? I know the answer to these questions cannot be me, especially since I am crying myself to sleep every night.
Three. You want another chance. With who? Me? Because no. I do not accept. You want to make me your plaything once more. You only want to toy with me and leave when I get so hooked to you that I can’t breathe when you are away. You want to make me the carcass I was when I was with you. You want to choke the little life I have left in me. No Jesse. Not again. I may be breaking each day, but I am fixing myself. And each tomorrow is better than every yesterday.
Four. Please never mention forever to me. That is not a word that should ever come out of your treacherous lips. Do me a favor, and don’t even think of thinking about forever. You are not worth being anybody’s forever. You are not a being that can fathom the meaning of such a powerful word.
Five. Well… I need to laugh here first. You need the life we had back? Really darling? Say it out loud and see if you sound believable. Because I am sure you cannot even get through the want part of that statement. I have heard too many of your lies, and I am not getting sucked back in. Not anymore. Find another to feed these empty promises to. Not this Julia.
Six. “This time I promise never to hurt you again, or walk away, or leave you alone” Damn. I think you took a class so as to write that letter. You really sound true. Any other girl could totally believe you. But na-ah. Not this Julia. I don’t want your promises. And that’s my final word on this.
And Jesse, I wish I was strong enough to lift not one, but both of us. Sadly… I am forced to choose.
I love you Jesse. And since you finish your letter saying you hate wondering if I am safe… Hell yeah. I am. I’m surrounding myself with positivity and real people. I am focussing on me, I eat well, and healthy-ish. I am treating myself the way you should have but didn’t. And I love me more now than I ever did you.
It’s me, Julia. I hope you still remember me. I hope I don’t need to re-introduce myself to you. That would simply be sad. Sadder than me while writing this letter to you. I hope all is well, and that you are happy. I always did want the best for you. Remember?
Anyway, I know I am not supposed to write to you. I promised you that I wouldn’t any more. But I can’t keep this in, and I think you need to know before I can move on with my life and find someone to take genuinely happy pictures with. I was with my friends last night, and the girls were talking of their new catches. It’s funny that I didn’t have one. I can’t bring myself to like anyone else. I miss you.
I remembered one thing though, as I was looking through their galleries full of smiles. I remembered you said forever. Forever your Julia. And my heart broke once more. Because I don’t believe forever is as short-lived as we were. I’ve had enough of this pettiness. I know you have too. But all I am is broken right now. I can’t move with the same rhythm as before. The beat of my steps is uneven. All because I crave you.
Forever was such a beautiful word, with little James and Jackie in the back seat. Now it only means mornings healed with coffee and evenings curled up in bed. Forever is lonely now, My Love. These days, forever is only a farfetched lie that you whispered to me before we slept and right when I opened my eyes. These days, your Julia is no more. The smile you loved so much, I have missed seeing it in the mirror.
Don’t get me wrong, Love. I am not saying I need you back, because I know you will still walk out on me with the same lame excuses you gave last time. I do not need to die once more. I’m only saying that I miss you dearly, and I wrote it here because I know you will not read it. I know you will see it is from me and put this in the trash. Yes, I know you that well darling. But that is the one thing that gave me the courage to write this letter to you. To tell you that I need to forget forever. That I need to tell my heart and mind that I am no longer your Julia, if only there is a way.
Goodbye my love.