Right now could be painful.
Right now could be filled with so much agony than you have ever experienced.
Right now could have the kind of suffering that can almost be equated to that of Jesus on the cross. You could feel helpless. Alone.
One of those moments you need mom or dad but remember they are covered in the dirt and you can never see them again.
And your heart,
Your heart could be breaking.
Into a million gajillion puzzle pieces that makes finding pieces that go together and placing them side by side impossible.
Your could be shattered to points that you yourself cannot recognize the reflection in the mirror.
Right now could be that time you have lost your innocence. That time your world is trembling to it’s core. That time you have stood up to face your demons so many times that they have robbed you of your strength.
It could be you have just lost a parent, a sibling, a true friend. It could be you have actually lost a part of yourself in the struggle to “be good”. It could be the loss of a job or the departure of a beloved pet. It could even be the failing of exams.
It could be that you lost your way.
That you believed in one day everything being better. Being clearer. Easier.
That one day something would come your way and you would recognize it’s immaculate essence immediately.
But you lost faith. Stopped believing in the one thing that kept you sane. Stopped believing in you. In Time. In God.
And you should never.
You should not put your sanity at risk by the things that time takes to heal, and because Time heals all wounds, physical and emotional, you too will heal.
Believe that one day, your worries will ride away in the most pure of carriages into the morning sun, and your days will forever be merry.
Believe that you will smile. That you will laugh. Because without hope, is life really worth living?
I’m looking at the drapes
So thick and full of life
Do they also have hopes?
Even as they block out the light?
Do they know what beauty they block out?
Like a layer used to paint the face.
Do they realize they are just but a barrier?
And inside is a cage of rage
A caged beast lacking an outlet
A beast forced to forget
Her mind is still clear
She knows she lives a lie
She knows the drapes hang because of her mistakes
But she has to be in with the crowd
Doesn’t want to be the subject of a frown
She is concealed in a hypothetical world that misunderstands her
Barred by the chains of knowing the trends that she forgets she is a masterpiece
So she pretends to be less than she actually is
Pretends she is living a life of bliss
Yet inside the hell fire that burns is as intense as her own soul
She needs a being that understands her
One who will allow the drapes to be pulled back
She needs someone to give her a hand
To help brush off the dust
Because she knows which arrows to follow
Even as her heart remains hollow
She is a lioness crammed up in a cage so lonely
And all this I see when I look at the drapes
And at the paint upon her face
Well, I’m 20
I have lived happy
But I still smile
I still live
Because there are many who no longer do
I still love
Because there are those who have never felt it
I still get to feel crappy
Because bad days are always right there
Life may not be clear
Mainly because I will still love
And for this I will still get burnt
But I’m only 20
And nobody gets to judge
Because being 20
I am allowed mistakes
I am allowed to bend some rules
Allowed to make my own decisions
So if you look this way
And feel like walking away
I too will not judge
Till I’m older
I killed her
I killed my granddad’s one true love
The one that made him smile all day
I killed his happiness
And I am cursed
Because there is none like her
I stare down at her lifeless remains now
A tear drops
He will kill me in return
My heart breaks
I am a murderer now
I will have this follow me forever
Granddad will be back in an hour
I look for words to say but nothing comes to mind
Why did I disturb her?
Why did I have to make her fall down the stairs?
A little jealousy has cost me my evening tales of the military
Jealousy had cost me the love of my grandfather
It had cost me the hot chocolate talks with my favorite person in the world
He will never look at me the same way
I will always remind him of Lucy
Of how it was all my fault that he lost her
He will hate me
Perhaps I should also fall down the stairs
Just so I can also die with her
I killed the one my granddad truly loved
Even Chica the cat did not get that kind of love from him
She was his lifelong partner
His ride or die
And in one swift swing
I had murdered her
I had destroyed granddad’s life
I had lost my favorite grandchild privileges
In the next forty seven minutes
Granddad will walk through that door
And have his heart broken
Because he will see Lucy
Lying there on the floor
With me standing over her
And he will despise me for this selfish act
He will hate me for what I have done
He loved her too much
The kind of love that cannot be replaced
Lucy was an old soul
Her caramel skin flowed for miles
She had a beauty about her that left many stunned
And I had killed her
I should call the police
Thirty two minutes
I can’t move
I look at my hands
Her blood on them
Granddad should be walking home now
Home to see Lucy, Chica and me
Only that he will find two of us alive
His number one lifeless on the floor
My heartbeat fastens
No words can get me out of this
No amount of hugs can salvage her now
Lucy is gone
I can’t breathe
I am stuck to the floor
I can’t move
Still standing over Lucy
I bend down and touch her head
I hear the gate open
And granddad’s voice
He is singing one of his old songs from his band when he was younger
He sings of peace and prosperity in the country
An old independence song
I brace myself
He is right on time
Couldn’t even give me two more minutes to compose myself
Not one second to come up with an acceptable tale of how beloved Lucy died
Another tear drops
He opens the door
“Pa’…it’s…it’s… I’m sorry”
He looks at me, confused
Then I see grief fill his face as he stares at my hands touching Lucy’s head
He stares at his true love
“Pa’… I didn’t mean to… it wasn’t my fault…”
He closes the door behind him
And walks up to me
I see him lift his walking cane
And I fear he wants to strike me with it
But he hangs it on the staircase railing
And puts his hands around me
I fear he wants to squeeze the life out of me
Kill me like I did his happiness
Like I did Lucy
His body starts to shake
He sobs on my shoulder
“Pa’… I’m so sorry”
He looks up at me
His eyes are bright
He has been…
“Sweetpea” he says
“It’s just a smoking pipe. I have hundreds of those”
I look at him
“But it’s Lucy…you love her!”
“No Sweetpea. I love you. Not a silly old pipe that you broke”
He kisses me on the forehead
“Want some hot chocolate?’ he asks
And I laugh at my own madness
It was just a stupid old smoking pipe
I dust the ashes from my hands